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In 1917, one-third of United States citizens were of German descent, yet the country’s entry into the First World War led to such xenophobia that schools suspended the teaching of German, Wagner’s operas were banned and sauerkraut was renamed “Liberty Cabbage.”
Unfortunately,
Wagner’s operas came back to American stages after the Armistice. Even more unfortunately, American xenophobia
never left. With that in mind, it’s
certainly time now to adjust our daily speech to reflect current national
passions.
Many words
beginning in “al” are of Arabic origin, dating back to medieval times, when
that race last contributed significantly to global civilization. “Alcohol,” first mass distilled in potent
proofs in Arabic “alembics,” is out; “booze is in.” “Algebra” … hey kids, you’ve been looking for an excuse to get
out of that one and get back to stealing my goddam bicycle and trading it for
crack anyway, haven’t you? “Alchemy”
remains passé, but General Al Haig is back in style. Cat Stevens becomes even more passé than he was in August, if
possible.
Beyond the “al”
words, we know already that television networks and film studios have adjusted
their offerings to show sensitivity to national feelings. Programs and movies about terrorism are out
and reality programming is an endangered species. Fads trickle down, and Hollywood’s tendencies are moving rapidly
toward your household. BE PREPARED!
It isn’t “motherfucker”
anymore. It’s “mullahfucker,” because
carnal knowledge of an low-level Islamic religious functionary is much nastier
than incest, right? And if you use last
month’s popular phrase, “It’s the bomb,” be prepared for some jumpy scurrying
followed by a thorough assbeating, you stupid mullahfucker. It’s going to take more than those nifty tin
cigarette boxes to keep Camels selling in coming months, but the main thing,
the main point of this whole page, is “mullahfucker,” because I really think
this one can catch on.
Practice it in
front of the mirror. Repeat it until
you get it right and don‘t slip into the old style “motherfucker,” which might
now imply Arab sentiments.
Mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker,
mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker, mullahfucker.